should be sleeping.

this is what I call whine down time. I just got off work(so 12 hour shift) and when I get home I can't fall right to sleep because I'm still adrenaline rushed from work so I normally blog stalk, facebook stalk, etc... instead of that tonight or morning now I guess I have just a few or more things on my mind....

let's talk about first of all how school started at SUU on Monday and for the 1st time in years I wasn't starting school. Let's just say I started a mini depression about 2 weeks ago when I was working one monday and my aide was talking about it was her last day cause she had to move for school. mostly out of curiosity and trying to be nice I asked where she was going and I was not expecting her to say SUU, nor was she expecting my reaction when she said it. I immediately dropped what I was doing and started drilling her on questions such as "where are you living" "what is your professor for that class" and giving her all sorts of advice of what fun things there is to do down there(basically summed up in one sentence: make your own). I found myself depressed talking to her realizing I wasn't going back down to the ol CC and it was then that it really started to hit me for the first time all summer I'm not going back to school. I think it mostly hit me because she had the life I had for years, summer CNA job quit, move and go back to school. So it began...

I think the depression got worse when I realized that part of the reason I loved going back to school was how much change I experienced this time of year normally: new roommates and/or new apartment, new school schedule, new ward, new town, etc... all these changes and I suddenly felt trapped. I'm not leaving my job, I'm not moving anywhere anytime soon, and I don't get to buy school supplies(still a hard one for me, I just love me some new notebooks, planner, and pens!). It's rough I tell ya. The frustration/depression or whatever this funk I got in continued to get worse probably due to the fact that I hate my roommate situation. true story that I've lived with 2 girls for the whole summer and I can't even tell you their last names, cell phone numbers, or where one of them was from. how pathetic is that right?? our personalities have been so different and so have our schedules that I never got to know them, and I think I was secretly hoping things would change like I'd get back to a fun living arrangement again by moving back to cedar, but instead I'm stuck.

One of my other favorite things this time of year was the re-uniting. I used to have this group of friends that I've referred to ourselves as the CCC(Cedar City Crew) just a nickname I made up once and it stuck for about the 2 years we were all friends. We'd all be our separate ways over the summer but that night before the first day back at school and we were all in the same town again, we'd party! we'd check out each others apartments, run over all the schedules for the week so we could coordinate us all going to the free food back to school events, we'd go out to eat or bring food home and ramble on and on about our summers and how happy we were to be reunited. Frequently dance parties would surface, if we weren't creating them ourselves we were hitting up the house parties that always took place those first 2 weeks. Life was fun, and our group of friends knew how to have the most fun of anybody in town , we used to joke that we ran the town and knew everyone. The crew doesn't exist anymore and I was reminded of this as I attended one of my best friends wedding that same week my reality check was setting in, steph who was also a member of the crew looked beautiful in her dress and SO happy! all I could think of was I'm the only one out of all those girls here. Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan, also added to the depression/frustration : )

Summer's pretty much over. well okay I won't sugar coat it, summer's over! and that right there is enough to send someone over the depression ledge! I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I swear it's gone the fastest yet and between NCLEX and job hunting I was robbed of a summer anyways so I'm sad thinking I still have this list of all these things I wanna do this summer and it's over! no more rodeos, fairs, pool days(not that my albino skin saw much sun), hiking, boating, etc.. all these other things I wanted to do not to mention I haven't even been to one bonfire all season! I feel robbed, and I'm not happy about it. I wish summer could stay forever!

anywho I think that's enough whining for now and I feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier so I should take this night nursing body to bed. I'll end with a few good news: Things between my roommate Sharon and I are getting better and I got a new roommate, last night actually who I haven't met but will hopefully be fun and cool. My boss told me I was getting a full time position starting September so I'll be able to get my truck soon. Candice is back from haiti so I have a friend in p-town again : ) my family is still amazing and I have the most stinkin cute niece and nephew ever!! I took a trip to cedar last week to get my feel of the south in, weird feelings but that's for another day!
things are looking up and I just need to be positive to see the change that I'm still getting in my life without moving back down to school, and I'm sure my depression about school will disappear once I read f-book posts about former nursing friends clinicals, and the word homework.
life is good. nighty night!!