Back in school, and throughout clinicals I heard the expression nurses eat their young, ALOT! I also heard that nurses are considered "worthless" their first year as a nurse while they try to figure real life out. I thought I was prepared but man I had no idea what I was getting myself into!
This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions! My first 2-3 months as I nurse eating and sleeping were luxuries to me as I never did either. I was working both days and night shifts. My 12 hours shifts were averaging 14-15 hour shifts and I think I'm going to suffer some long term kidney effects down the road seeing as how I held my bladder daily!
When I first started, making the transition was one of the hardest parts, to go from being an aide and saying "I'll go get the nurse", to being the nurse. Being the nurse meant everything got pinned on you, this past year I've learned that since you're the nurse people think you can fix anything and I've since taken on roles of housekeeper, repair guy, administrator, family member, psychologist, aide, respiratory therapist, and yes even bug killer(a family member once came out with a Kleenex looking for the nurse wanting to show me a bug and asking what I wanted to do with it. True story.)
Moment of truth: I have cried a lot this past year! and I wish I could say that it's only been in the first couple months but sadly enough the tears still manage to find their way to surface. The bad days I thought I had as an aide was like eating a piece of cake to the bad days I've had as a nurse. From a code blue with fecal matter filling the room, to another code blue and leaving me as the one to pound on the 300+ pounds patient. From 3 admits in one shift, to having 18+ patients for a whole month straight. From bed alarms, to feeding tube alarms, to vent alarms, and let's not forget room and bathroom call lights! From dealing with hospice deaths to finding an unexpected death. I could go on and on....
I've decided this past years that not only do I have RN, and BSN my name but also OCD. Never have I realized more my perfectionist, and nit picky ways until I'm near tears in frustration that I won't be able to meet my ways.
So many lessons have been learned but the biggest one that stands out at the moment is the lesson that refers to me unexpected death ^. That lesson learned was a real hard one in the sense of: In the end there is still only so much we can do, even as medical professionals and someone else gets the final say.
But let me not lead you to believe I hate being a nurse because even in it's questioning moments, like January the month from hell when I almost quit on the spot to go to physical therapy school, nursing is rewarding and I still couldn't see myself doing anything different! I have the opportunity to change lives, but in return I have met the most awesome patients, family members, and co-workers who have taught me and been there for me more than I ever thought strangers could. I am very lucky for the good stories I have amongst the chaos : )
I survived the first year but I still feel worthless and that I have so much more to learn, but I hope that feeling never changes because that fear and constant changing/learning is what makes nursing nursing and I don't ever want to feel totally comfortable.
Lastly, I must mention a quick thank you to those who have had to put up with me the past year, especially my family and best friends. When I needed relief, and venting they were there. When I cried and cried my frustrations, they listened. When I needed to be re-validated that I wasn't worthless, they were there. I'm sorry for the constant complaining and venting, I hope that gets better : )
CHEERS TO NURSING!!
1 comment:
Great post! You amaze me!
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