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I set my test date yesterday, that's right the big NCLEX will be taking place soon(date being kept secret so if I fail I don't have to face everyone asking how it went etc.. I can simply go on like I hadn't taken it yet.) I was freakin out all day and was seriously sick to my stomach with a massive headache majority of the day. Growing up is hard, and this reality check is coming so soon that it doesn't feel real that the day I've been anticipating and "preparing" for is here, set in date, penciled in the planner. So weird. Weird enough I couldn't study all day because I couldn't concentrate.

I'm super frustrated today. Studying and taking a sample test this morning left me in a terrible mood so I turned to Grey's anatomy for comfort as I frequently do. I love that show and seriously it relates to real life SO MUCH!! (and not just realitive in comparing of patients conditions and what s/s are talked about although in school it was not uncommon for us fans to shout out "oh yeah like on Grey's Anatomy! Grey's anatomy had an episode about this!!"). Because it relates to life so much, and I swear more relative to my life a lot, it is not uncommon for me to cry. Don't judge. So as I turned for comfort I should not have been surprised when I found myself in tears 90% of the episode. I won't spoil anything because it was the season finale and although I feel it was lame comparision to the past 2 season finales nonetheless shouldn't be spoiled, but there was something that was talked about that I loved. For instance a quote that talked or said something among the lines of...."I always thought I would be alone. In fact I always wanted to be alone. Not that I can't love or don't want to be loved but because if you do love someone and lose them it is hard to recover and is similar to tissue damage. Although, tissue damage could be repaired or removed and healing occurs, this type of healing could go on forever..... Being alone is easier. It's comfortable." I couldn't agree with grey's more.

Life is crazy. it really is and I bring it up often because it amazes me sometimes when you look back on life and think I never thought I'd be here, or I always thought I'd be doing this, living here, having that, etc.. by now. Life rarely happens or works out how we plan or try to plan. It can be exciting and frustrating yet in the end it's still a miracle that somehow we end up happy! Thank goodness I'm no in charge of planning where my life goes, although I still like to try.

I was at channy's house yesterday when she brought out a new book by Elder Holland, a thought and picture book, and one of them really stuck with me: "No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse." I'm trying to take that in and stop whining about everything. I'll try hard to not bring up the words boards, NCLEX, test, studying, in every sentence of conversation for the next few weeks. However, before I totally commit to that statement lemme say: I can't help but feel so inadequate and retarded these days. It's weird when everyone talks to you and tells you how much confidence they have in you and how great you are, blah blah blah. and yet when you look inside yourself all you see is fear and inadequacy, and want to just hide under the covers and not get out of bed!!!

Man I would really LOVE it if this rain would stop. A rainy day is great but a rainy week at the first of summer?? come on already!